Saturday, February 11, 2006

Floaty Weird

Yesterday I hit failsafe.

The brain was obviously still doing a hundred to the dozen, any and all sense of creativity was still packed away (I have to be cheerful to be creative. I can be 'not cheerful' and still funny, but its too caustic, too sharp) and same as for the past four or five days, I was struggling to look outside of myself and my self pity, was hardly visiting or commenting on anyone else's blogs and felt my attempts at humour smacked of desperation.

What does a girl do when her racing goggles are still glued on, the wind is still billowing in her face at 100 miles an hour, but the target she was careering toward has gone up in a puff of smoke? Why, she scouts desperately for the first 'odd' newsy item that sparks a few new braincells into action (and a change is as good as a rest to a blind donkey, or something), and blogs it, of course. Hence the sperm blog. Oops, sorry about that.

Astryngia asked if I had kicked the shit out of a pile of sofa cushions yet - my cure-all for extreme frustration and adrenalin overdose. Sadly no, not this time, although I may possibly still feelinclined, some time this week. Getting to that stage involves a trip out through the bottom of ugly self pity and face-swelling tears, until the anger is at myself as much as anything else, so this time I never got that far. To be honest I haven't really got that far since the break up of my first marriage, when certain truths came out.

No, this week I was just so highly strung in anticipation of Son's special ed' statement, so much on auto pilot for losing Husband to a training course all this week and next, that when it hit, it was like a brick wall (at the aforementioned 100 miles an hour). I was a mess, and feeling far too old for all this malarky. Smashed, even. Far from being up and at 'em like some bouncy, elasticated alien facsimile of a human, I just sagged. I wrote on here in an effort to find the energy to, well, anything. Only anger would have inspired that.

Oddly, as I calm, the anger is all that's left, like a grey cloud around me. It was as much as I could do to stop myself from severing all ties with someone yesterday. I was worried, I was concerned, and they snubbed me. The one thing you don't need from a 'friend' when you are down, is power games. I didn't really expect to let someone in on how vulnerable I feel, to have them play at building and snapping rapport. It was like a double kick in the gut - not just that this happened, but that I had thought so highly of this person and allowed them into a position to be able to do that. Make it triple, the third point being that I had allowed myself to lean on someone, to rely on them.

There is always the possibility that I am just too sensitive at the moment.

Panic is like caffeine - it drains everything and today I am even having trouble stringing a sentence together - I just can't be bothered to be bothered, if that makes sense.

Time, I think, to pay a little attention to myself, my self esteem, and my house. Time to take things down a notch or three, and become deliberately slow and methodical, after the hyperactivity of this five year fight to have my Son understood and catered for at school.

I am feeling too floaty weird to say whether this stage will last an hour or a week, or anything in between or beyond. I do know that when I come back to the computer it will be because I want to, have time to, and, for a change, have something to say. It will be a treat, not a desperate attempt at procrastination. I guess its the difference between lying on the sofa to relax and lying on it because you've just been run over by a truck. I want to be here because I want to be here, not because of need.

No more trucks.

See you soon :-)

I don't want to speak to soon, but I definitely overreacted two days ago. I am still planning to create a new life routine and its all good. So far I have found two corners of the kitchen not properly witnessed or wiped since Christmas, and sorted the seven worst storage drawers, five of which have not had a proper clear out since 1996. I just thought I'd say this in case anyone thinks I've gone off to have a mental breakdown, when in reality I've gone off specifically to insure myself against one. Its a Zen thing. Sabbatical, even. Still no more trucks - I have time to clear multiple slates which have been neglected and actually get ahead of things. That will feel odd, it not being the normal situation at all. Have fun!

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